Thoughts from the Cradle


My story starts quite simply enough, two people had the crazy idea that they should have a kid. I should say that these same two people are the ones who swore they would never get married much less have kids. These are of course my parents, two people who can never make up their minds about anything. Well, from my standpoint I say thank God that they did make up their minds about me.

Anyway, I got off to kind of a rough start, my mom says that I must be as stubborn as my dad (I am not sure what she means by this). Momís labor took quite a while and she endured much pain. They ended up having to suck me out with a Hoover or something like that. The first thing I remember is the nursesí reaction when they saw how big I was. Now, they had seen babies my size before, but my mom is so small the doctor could not believe I was hiding inside her. I wanted to tell them that I had to be large in order to accomplish the things in life, which I wanted to, but of course I could not talk so they just had to guess as to why I was so big. I am sure that at this point my dad has plans for me to play football at Michigan, I have news for him: that school is way too liberal! I guess we have plenty of time to discuss that.

When I got home from the hospital I was in for quite a shock. There were all these other things around me sniffing, staring and just generally annoying me. I had seen other babies at the hospital and knew these things were not human. It seems that my mom and dad had other family members which they failed to disclose to me at the hospital; animals. I would later find out that these animals are dogs and cats. Now, I am kind of young to understand the whole thing, but so far they actually seem to like having me around. The only question I have right now is why do the dogs sleep in the bedroom with me and the cats donít? I mean after all, the cats seem to be the ones who donít make any noise so why not kick the dogs out and let the cats in? Again, I guess I have plenty of time to figure this out.

At this point, I havenít been too many places to talk about. I can tell you though that wherever we do go I get passed around from person to person like a hot potato. It is not too bad though, being the only baby around really seems to have its advantages!

I have some general observations, which I would like to share with everyone:

1. Diapers suck, but at least I donít have to change them

2. Sleep is good

3. Milk is ok and will do for now, but I need something more substantial

4. Pacifiers, well they only pacify so much

5. The Internet is a great way for babies to express themselves

6. Chicago is cold in November

7. Doctors donít know everything no matter what they say. I mean they    thought I was going to be like 8 pounds

8. I prefer to wear shirts with pants and socks. The one-piece pajama thing just doesnít do it for me.

9. Speaking of socks, you do a good job of covering up my feet, but what about my hands? They get cold too you know! Oh yeah, what about my head? Donít you lose like 30% of your body heat through your head? No, this is not a rhetorical question! I am a baby for crying out loud, how would I know how much heat you lose through your head!

10. Typing is hard work when you have little tiny fingers


Isnít there a saying that goes something like this: "the older you get the smarter your parents get." I mean how old do you have to be before this is true. I have been here two weeks and so far they just seem stupid. It took me no time at all to get this baby thing down, but still every time I turn around it looks to me like they have no idea what they are doing. They say, "practice makes perfect." I wish they had practiced on someone else!

Until next time,


November 15, 2000