So anyway, I go on what is supposed to be this wonderful, scenic, spectacular week long getaway to this place they call the “garden state”…New Jersey.  Far be it from me to criticize this place, as you well know I never have a bad thing to say about anything, but don’t they think “garden state” might be pushing it?  Kind of reminds me of the story of how Iceland and Greenland were named.  Never heard it?  Well, the story goes that the people, who discovered these remote islands, were so set on keeping people out of Iceland, because it is so beautiful, that they decided to name the other island which is basically desolate and glacier covered, Greenland so that people would go there instead of going to Iceland and ruining it.  Get it?  Reverse psychology!   Anyway, there is not much doubt in my mind that is how New Jersey got the moniker of “garden state.

Never the less, I am home after a week of what amounted to controlled turmoil.  What, you ask, was the highlight of my time there?  I would have to say the zoo.  Or was it watching Pooh on the DVD player in the car?  No, I would say the zoo, because nothing that happened in that car could in any way be considered a highlight! Lowlight…yes, disaster…yes, train wreck…yes, gut wrenching…yes, appalling…yes, abuse…well, borderline, but never, no how, no way, under no circumstances could any of the car ride be considered a highlight!  Ok, back to the zoo, I guess my favorite part of the zoo was feeding the lion out of my hand. Ok, just how stupid do you think that I am?  I would not feed a lion out of my hand!  But, I did feed a goat out of my hand!  It was pretty cool, but it was really slimy! 

While I was in Jersey (notice how I have picked up on the local lingo?  Actually, it is kind of an inside joke just for me because God knows there is nothing ‘New’ about that place!)  I met this guy that I was talking to and I asked him, “Who is the most famous person from New Jersey?”  His response, without any hesitation was, “Frank Sinatra.”  So I say, “Great! Who the hell is he?”  (I’m not even two so I’m not really into that type of music.)  He says, “You know, “New York, New York” and “My Kind of Town” Chicago is...”   So, this guy has me really perplexed so I asked him, “Hey, if he is from New Jersey why is he singing about how great New York and Chicago are?”   So this guy says, “Hey, if you were from Hoboken would you admit it?” Of course, that was the end of that!  But being me, I just had to dig a little further.  So, I asked him, “Tell me someone else famous from New Jersey that I might know.”  He says, “Bruce Springsteen.”  I responded, “Ok, now we are getting somewhere!  I know who he is, but tell me what his biggest hit was.”  He says, of course, “Born in the USA.”  Here we go again I think to myself!  Apparently Bruce is proud to be from the USA, but don’t try to nail him down any further than that!  At this point, I give up my quest of finding somebody from New Jersey that admits to being from there!  Well, other than the nobodies!

Things to Expect if you go to New Jersey

1. You’re going to have to sleep in somebody else’s bed, because hey, yours is at home!
2. Papa will make you eat meatloaf
3. Mimi will show you what she had for dinner…if you know what I mean!
4. You will meet new people; this is not necessarily a good thing!
5. Mimi will buy you a bunch of new clothes and toys!
6. You will not see Tony Soprano.  Apparently that whole TV thing… it’s not real, the people don’t exist!  Who knew!
7. No left turns!  Apparently, when they were building roads in New Jersey someone was concerned with the population of Terns (you know the birds) being disrupted by the construction.  Well, the local Audubon Society said not to worry because, “there are no Terns left.”  I think you can now see where this is going!  By the time the message got to the right people, they designed all the roads with; you guessed it, NO LEFT TURNS!  Thank God that there are no animals called “rights!”
8. After 7, I think I have fulfilled my obligation!

I guess that about does it for this round.  You probably won’t hear anything out of me until my birthday, so this may be your only reminder to get me something good!

Until next time,

Cole

September 18^th, 2002